As an estate planning attorney,

I frequently hear some version of this story from adult children: “My parents are in their 80s. They have significant assets, but they won’t tell me anything about their will, trust, or even where their important documents are kept. Every time I bring it up, they change the subject or get defensive. Should I be worried?”

The short answer is yes. This situation often signals a real estate planning problem, even if your parents are currently healthy and capable. The longer they delay open communication, the greater the risk of unnecessary stress, expense, family conflict, and lost opportunities when the inevitable occurs.

Why Parents Often Stay Silent

Understanding the “why” behind the refusal can help you approach the conversation with empathy rather than frustration. Common reasons include:

• Privacy and independence: Parents view their finances as deeply personal and worry that sharing details will invite pressure or judgment.
• Fear of conflict: They may anticipate arguments over unequal distributions or feel guilty about certain decisions.
• Denial about aging: Discussing estate plans forces acknowledgment of mortality and declining capacity.
• Past family dynamics: Old sibling rivalries or concerns about a child’s spending habits or marriage can make parents hesitant to share information.
• Simply not having a plan: Some parents have not updated documents in decades (or ever) and feel embarrassed.

These motivations are understandable, but they do not eliminate the risks to the family that they love.

Why Communication Matters

Estate planning is not just about distributing assets after death. It is about protecting your parents’ wishes during incapacity and ensuring a smooth transition for the family. Without basic knowledge of their plan, adult children can face several serious challenges:

• Incapacity planning gaps: If one or both parents become unable to manage their affairs due to dementia, stroke, or illness, someone needs legal authority to act. If powers of attorney (medical and financial) or trust documents are outdated, unknown, or missing, family members may need to petition the court for guardianship of the person and/or property. This is an expensive, public, and emotionally draining process.
• Surprise distributions and family conflict: Many parents assume their children “know” how things will be divided. When assets are left unequally, to a second spouse, to charity, or in trust, the lack of prior discussion can breed resentment and can lead to legal contests.
• Tax and administrative inefficiencies: Proper planning can minimize estate taxes, avoid probate, and provide for family members with support needs. Without visibility, these opportunities are often missed.
• Practical headaches: Locating accounts, passwords, insurance policies, deeds for real property, and memorial wishes after death is difficult enough. When no one knows the plan or the location of documents, the process becomes far more chaotic and costly.

What You Can Do as an Adult Child

You cannot force your parents to share details, but you can create conditions that make discussion more likely:

1. Choose the right moment and tone: Avoid holidays or high-stress times. Frame the conversation around your love and desire to honor their wishes, not control their money. Say something like: “I want to make sure I can help you the way you want if something happens, and not based simply on my assumptions.”
2. Focus on their control and protection: Emphasize that knowing the plan allows you to advocate for their preferences rather than guessing. Offer to meet together with their attorney (or help them find one) without demanding to see the documents yourself.
3. Suggest a family meeting with a neutral professional: An experienced estate planning attorney can facilitate a conversation that feels safe and objective. Many attorneys offer “family planning” sessions designed exactly for this purpose.
4. Share your own plan: Modeling transparency by discussing your personal estate planning can reduce defensiveness.
5. Ask targeted, low-pressure questions: Instead of “Show me your will,” try: “Do you have a will? Who did you name as executor? Do you have healthcare directives in place? Where are those documents stored?”
6. Consider gentle persistence over time: One conversation rarely suffices. Plant seeds and revisit periodically.

When Professional Help is Essential

If your parents remain completely unwilling to discuss these matters and you have reason to believe there may be cognitive decline, second-marriage complications, blended family dynamics, or significant wealth, consult your own estate planning attorney. While the attorney-client relationship belongs to your parents, an experienced lawyer can advise you on protective steps, red flags, and strategies for future involvement.

In some cases, reviewing publicly available information or gently inquiring with a trusted family advisor can provide partial clarity without confrontation.

The Goal is Peace of Mind for Everyone

The best estate plans are not just technically sound, they are understood and supported by the family. When adult children know the broad framework (even without every dollar amount), they can prepare emotionally, financially, and logistically. This reduces the likelihood of disputes and allows the family to focus on what truly matters during difficult times.

Parents who have worked hard to build wealth deserve to have their wishes respected. Adult children deserve the opportunity to fulfill those wishes without unnecessary obstacles. Bridging that gap starts with conversation.

If your parents continue to resist, respect their autonomy while quietly preparing yourself. Update your own estate plan, gather your own important documents, and consider how you would handle various scenarios. And remember: it is never too late to start the dialogue. A good place to start is a consultation with an attorney on the Estates team at Liff, Walsh & Simmons.

Greg Ferra, a Partner at Liff, Walsh & Simmons, leads the Estate Planning & Administration practice. His passion for estate planning and administration stems from the opportunity to challenge himself and devise innovative plans for his clients. He is delighted when he can provide his clients with novel and effective solutions that have not previously been considered.

At Liff, Walsh & Simmons, our Estate Planning & Administration practice area helps individuals and families protect their legacies and plan for the future. We provide personalized guidance in wills, trusts, powers of attorney, and comprehensive estate plans tailored to each client’s unique circumstances. Our attorneys are committed to making the estate planning process clear, manageable, and aligned with your goals, providing peace of mind and security for you and your loved ones. Please contact Liff, Walsh & Simmons at 410-266-9500 to schedule a consultation.